In 2023 I was living what I thought was my best life. I had a big job that I loved, a partner and two beautiful children, aged seven and ten.

 

I rushed from one thing to another. I went on regular work trips from my home in Edinburgh to London, Manchester and Birmingham whilst managing kids homework, activities, housework, meals and social events. I worked long hours, including most weekends, but to keep the "mum guilt" at bay, always ensured I made time for the kids. I coached my seven year old's football team, ferried children from one activity to another, arranged play dates and made sure my kids had their World Book Day costumes ready. I had date nights with my partner, made family meals from scratch, ensured I ran regularly, socialised with friends and family and diligently kept track of whose turn it was for the liftshare.

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People would comment on how amazing it was I could get so many things done and I would smile and feel a warm glow inside. I felt like I was winning at the life game and doing everything I was supposed to - I thought I was invincible.

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However, things changed in November 2023. I remember the trigger - it was Halloween and I had arranged to have a party for the kids at home before we went out guising. A few days  prior I was told I had to be in London for a meeting at 9 am on November 1st. Not wanting to miss out on either, I decided to get the sleeper train so I could make the meeting. I remember standing in the shower washing off Halloween facepaint at 9.30 pm before leaving for the train and just starting to cry. I was exhausted but like always I just pushed through, it will be fine after some sleep I thought. I woke up the next day in Euston and went to the meeting as normal, but something had changed - I just couldn't stop crying.

 

There was no traumatic event that had caused me to break, but the flood gates had opened. I had tipped over the edge and there was no going back. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and my tank was empty. My body, mind and spirit had all collapsed in a crying heap on the floor and were refusing to get up again.

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If I am honest I think things had started to change a couple of years prior to this but I hadn't allowed myself to see it. I hadn't let myself acknowledge the signs that things were not as good as they seemed. I had ignored my reduced patience, increased irritability, inability to switch off and relax, sleep problems, feelings of detachment and physical symptoms of stress because I didn't want to admit to myself that perhaps this wasn't my best life, perhaps I had got it wrong. 

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Today, almost eighteen months later, I feel like a different person. After a period of complete rest, I have been on a mission to try to understand what happened to me, how I let myself get to breaking point and why I missed so many signs. The truth is there is no  single cause but through research and personal experience I now understand the behaviors and beliefs that caused me to burnout. From this, I have developed what I call my Anti-Burnout Mindset. I use this to  build resilience and maintain balance in my busy life.

 

Maintaining the Anti-Burnout Mindset takes work but I believe we can all develop and maintain this mindset to reduce our risk of burnout. I still have a busy life with a job, partner, kids and everything that comes with that, its just I have learnt how to live a more balanced life - I have learnt how to balance those bluebells.

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